i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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