I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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