Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize