Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
