You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
