Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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