cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
