My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
