i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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