yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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