Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
