if only i could text you this smell
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
