Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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