You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
