6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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