I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize