if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
