Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
