respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
