Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
