Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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