Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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