i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
