I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
