Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
