Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
