you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
