My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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