My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
