def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
