She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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