my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
