i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
