So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
