Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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