Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
