He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
