do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
