he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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