I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
