every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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