I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
