my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
i believe in u and ur pee
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
