We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
