I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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