She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
