Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
being pregnant is like rehab
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
