I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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