i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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