i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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