i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
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