Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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