i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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