I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
