im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
