So drunk, too bad you don't want this
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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