Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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