I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
