my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
