they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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