I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
